Warren's Citizen Kane
by 2Schwifty2Drive
Summary: the best story about the worst character


The lights were dim, the glare of a screen providing some of the only light in the room. Well, besides the carefully placed candles flickering throughout the room. Jazzy music was playing, and a perfect resting spot made of blankets and pillows was arranged across from the laptop. The blue light above the laptop monitor was on.

Warren then begun to whack his willy, all three inches.

"So you wanted me to do it like this?" Warren asked the person he was Skyping.

There was no response. The person on the video just kept looking, until suddenly an IM popped up.

"Yeah, just like that," the text read. "Sorry I can't talk, my mic is broken."

"That's okay," Warren said, now fifteen seconds into his session. "Wow, I might have to use both hands for this!"

Warren then tried to grasp both hands around his dong but failed due to its length.

"Ugggggh why isn't it going fully erect? I swear it's usually 8 inches!" Warren groaned.

"That's fine," a new IM read. "Just keep going."

Another 15 seconds passed and Warren then nutted.

"Wow! 31 seconds is a new record! Pretty impressive, huh?" Warren gloated.

"Wow you must be really good in person," a new IM said.

"Yeah! Man, I remember back when I used to be 13 seconds. Those were sad days," Warren said as he reminisced last week.

"Haha ;)," read a brand new IM.

Warren squirmed a little bit as he took off his video.

"So now are you going to show me... your boobers?" Warren asked.

"Yeah, just a sec," read a new IM.

Warren stared at the video in awe as the girl on the other side slowly started to lift her shirt and then it suddenly cut off.

"Aw man... I guess her connection died..." Warren said.

* * *

Warren exited class. He saw Max in the distance with her friend Chloe.

"Oh hey, it's Max Max. And she's with her gal pal. Man, those two are so close. Total best friends," Warren said fuckboyishly to assure himself both of the girls were straight and that he actually had a chance with Max.

"Hey Warr-" said Brooke as she approached him.

"Sorry Brooke, I'm too busy not acknowledging your existence so you can become a potentially shallow character based on player input with wasted potential who complains about some boy she's too good for. I need to go ask Max to go ape with me," Warren interuppted as he ran off over to Max.

Warren approahed the girls.

"Hey guys, what uuuuu-" Warren begun.

"Lock it up, Warren," Chloe said.

"Lock it up?" Warren asked, confusedly. "I-I don't even know what means, Chloe. I've never heard about that before."

"Lock it up means shut your fucking mouth up Warren," Chloe replied. "And be quiet for once in your life."

"Wow I'm really impressed about that. Where'd you learn i-where'd you learn about that from?" Warren asked.

"Warren, I learned it under the cap from this Gatorade bottle," Chloe said, holding up a cap from a Gatorade bottle. "Gatorade is delicious and healthy, and now for a limited time, you can find urban slang terminology under the cap."

"Wow Chloe, I can't believe all the stuff you're learning from Gatorade bottles," Warren replied. "You know it almost makes up for the fact that Gatorade puts all those harmful chemicals in their... in their drink, and a lot of people get sick from it."

"LOCK YOUR FUCKING MOUTH UP WARREN," Chloe said. "Gatorade. Now featuring urban slang definitions under the cap of every bottle. It's delicious it's Gatorade."

Max just stood there, confused and concerned about this awful fanfiction bullcrap.

"So Warren have you got your dick wet lately?" Chloe asked.

"Well, I was actually thinking about asking Max out right now to see if she wanted to Go Ape with m-" Warren started but was cut off by Chloe.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't just ask a lesbian out on a date like that!" Chloe yelled.

"Wait what?" Warren said.

"Actually, I'm bisexu-" Max begun.

"Shhhh, let me take care of him," Chloe hushed Max, then turned back to Warren. "She's not interested in guys. At least not you. Plus she already has a date planned with me."

Warren stood there, unsure of how he felt. He pulled out his old, lucky fedora and placed it on his head. He felt euphoric and empowered.

"So, I see how it is, Max. After ALL I've done for you!" Warren shouted. "Well fuck you two, I already have a date! And yesterday she watched me whack me free willy on camera!"

Chloe laughed a little.

"What's so funny?" Warren demanded.

"Nothing, nothing," Chloe replied.

Warren narrowed his eyes, and begun to walk away backwards.

"You owe me so much, Max..." Warren whispered as he tripped backward on a stick on the ground. He started crying then got up and ran away, leaving his trusty, lucky fedora behind. "You'll pay for this!"

* * *

Warren got back to his dorm. He opened up Facebook only to see the girl who he had Skyped the previous night had messaged him.

"Hello," she typed.

"Hi want to see me do it again?" Warren asked. "I can last another three seconds now, I practiced in the showers this morning."

"Actually," the person typed.

"Yeah?" Warren typed.

"I want $200 in cash or else I'm posting the video online, all over the internet. Also, I'm tagging all your friends and family to a link of the video," the person responded.

"...Well what if I don't want it posted?" Warren typed.

"Not my problem," the person typed. "You have to do it. Unless you want your family to see how you've been handling the jewels. Or any of the ladies at your school to know the truth."

"W-what truth?" Warren stammered.

"You know what I mean," the person replied.

"It's 8 inches!" Warren typed, almost yelling it outloud as well.

"3," the person typed.

"7!" Warren typed.

"3.2," the person typed.

"6!" Warren typed.

"3.5," the person typed.

"FINE FUCK YOU IT'S 3.5!" Warren replied in all caps.

"Okay. I expect the money to be left in a tool box near the lighthouse up the forest path by tomrrow night," the other person said.

"Okay, okay, I'll get it," Warren replied.

"Good. Now I have to go. I need to find the starving children some water and resources," the person said.

"Okay but wait-starving children?" Warren asked.

"Why else would I need the money? I need it to feed starving children! Now hurry and get the money... or else," replied the person. They then went offline.

Warren gulped. "Oh man, I really need to find some cash..."


End file.
